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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846760">A Symmetry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Lady_of_the_Night/pseuds/Dark_Lady_of_the_Night'>Dark_Lady_of_the_Night</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rose Gun Days (Visual Novel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:35:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,580</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846760</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Lady_of_the_Night/pseuds/Dark_Lady_of_the_Night</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His empty apartment had become absolutely unhomely since quite recently, and its walls crushed him with heavy silence, constantly reminding that he was left alone. If only there was someone who could support him, then... maybe even at such times it would keep him from self-destruction, from that painful feeling, burning inside him and destroying the remnants of hope and faith in a better.</p><p>But there was <em>no one</em> left, and even worse – mostly it was <em>his</em> fault. He couldn’t take his anger out on someone and feel at least a shred of relief because he was the only one who deserved hatred.</p><p>The unbearable truth that he was better off not knowing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Keith Kisaragi &amp; Alan Aramaki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Symmetry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, Alan… Wake up, Alan…”</p><p>Keith couldn’t take his eyes off the serene face with the frozen smile on it; he wasn’t able to realize what was going on. How could it be that only Alan died while he was still alive – <em>again</em>? </p><p>He leaned over to Alan but couldn’t feel the breath – his heart was beating in his ears, deadening all other sounds. However, his vision was still quite clear, and it allowed him to notice a small figure approaching them. Keith turned around and looked at the girl – her frowning face was surely expressing worry. Soon she disappeared without saying a word. Keith stared after her somewhat indifferently, and then turned his eyes again to Alan.</p><p>He didn’t know when his hatred had come to naught. A few minutes ago, he was so willing to kill that man with his own hands; but at the moment, he wanted to see that man opening his eyes just to make sure he was still alive. Those words that Alan had said just before they had fallen out of the window were gradually brought back to Keith. <em>“I should say sorry to you.”</em> </p><p>That was right. Keith should apologize as well; he definitely must do that, must say how much he regretted, but… was that even possible now?</p><p>Keith turned around as he heard the steps of the group of persons approaching them fast. Little Chinese girl brought two madam Rose’s allies along. One of them reached for his gun as he noticed Keith’s presence but girl took him by the wrist and shook her head. The man looked at Keith more closely and sighed putting his arm down. Meanwhile, the other man approached Alan, quickly examined his wounds and checked his pulse.</p><p>“He’s alive,” he turned around and said to his companion, “come on, let’s take him to the graveyard entrance. They’ll take care of him there.”</p><p>The men lifted Alan and went to the entrance along with the girl. Bewildered, Keith stared after the company for a while before he started to follow them. No one paid attention to him anymore.</p><p>He knew that he shouldn’t do that. The fight wasn’t over yet, and his comrades might need help; he had no idea about their current situation for quite a long time. That battle was their retaliation and also the step to their ideal future. It was really important, so important but… Right in that moment, something that was of so great importance suddenly fell by the wayside, and there was only one thought in Keith’s mind – Alan was alive, and he needed help.</p><p>Fortunately, they got to the hospital very fast. The two from the madam Rose’s faction wasn’t there on the way, but the girl from the Golden Dragon was keeping company with them. The look she was giving Keith all the way to hospital was more than eloquent of that she had no trust in him in the slightest. Well, it went both ways.</p><p>To be completely honest, Keith didn’t quite understand his own feelings anymore.</p><p>Alan was taken to the operating room immediately. While keeping an unreadable expression on his face, the doctor informed the escort of patient’s traumatic brain injury and a lot of bone fractures, and looked at both of them inquiringly. Keith mumbled something indistinct about falling from height, and doctor nodded, as if such an answer was quite satisfying. But before he disappeared behind the door of the operating room, he gave Keith the look full of utmost suspicion. </p><p>The latter smiled, recalling that his face was stained with blood and his clothes were dirty. What a blunder, he didn’t take care of cleaning himself up at least a little. Keith cast a sidelong glance at Chinese girl – despite everything that had happened, she still looked quite neat and clean.</p><p>A couple of minutes passed, and the girl went away somewhere while Keith was left alone with his thoughts and assumptions that didn’t fall into place.</p><p>Alan’s behavior and words made him worry more and more now. He didn’t know why Alan had tried to protect him when they had fallen out of the window, as well as he had no clue why Alan hadn’t been carrying hate. The question Keith hadn’t asked himself before rang without stopping in his head now.</p><p>‘What if Alan is not guilty?’</p><p>He had been dating Lee Meixue, that was for sure; and that time, he had been fighting together with the girl from the Golden Dragon. Could that fact be a certain proof of him being involved in murders of the previous year? The guilt of the Golden Dragon had been proved when the major had given them evidences that couldn’t be questioned. Still, it was quite possible that Alan had been deceived by those Chinese. They had made him think that the third party was the one to blame, and they had been extremely persuasive so as to make him join them. As a result, Alan had probably decided that his former comrades had lost their minds from grief. However, neither Keith, nor Richard had lost their minds. Alan just didn’t know the truth.</p><p>If that was the case, what had Alan been sorry for? Maybe for abandoning Keith right at that time when his support had been vitally important?<br/>
Anyway, Keith should say sorry to Alan too. Even if Lee Meixue was Lee Meijiu’s sister, she was also that girl Alan loved. Alan had possibly suffered in the same way that Keith had after he had lost Stella.</p><p>Time was flowing slowly, hour after hour, and Keith’s reasoning became more and more obscured. He knew that he practically didn’t get injured not only thanks to Alan. If that Chinese girl hadn’t given them a push, it would have been hard to tell what could have happened to them. But she had tried to save Alan, of course. She couldn’t be worried about Keith. Still… even that look she had been giving him recently hadn’t conveyed hatred. Wasn’t that strange?<br/>
<em>What if the third party really could be involved in all of that?</em><br/>
No. It was absolutely impossible.</p><p>As he heard the approaching steps, Keith turned his head toward the sound, and his heart jumped in his chest at once. The girl came back, but she wasn’t alone. The one who was walking beside her was Lee Meijiu. He was saying something to the girl in Chinese but cut himself short as he noticed Keith. With darkened eyes, Meijiu looked at Keith coldly, making him flinch. He was sure – if there weren’t any witness, Meijiu would definitely kill him.</p><p>Luckily, the doctor came out of the operating room right in that moment. Meijiu got closer to him, asking about Alan’s state. Keith didn’t dare to shorten the distance between him and doctor but he heard very well, from where he was standing, the quiet answer of that man.</p><p>“We’ve done all that we could. Unfortunately, I can’t say that everything will be fine now. It depends on how soon he’ll regain consciousness. If he wakes up tomorrow, then the chance of his full recovery will be high. The thing is that every next day of being unconscious will be aggravating the situation. In this case, I won’t be able to predict how successful the recovery will be. All we can do now is to wait.”</p><p>Meijiu nodded and thanked the doctor for his help. The surgeon walked away, and the air became filled with tensity once more. Meijiu turned around to leave that place, but he stopped before he could take a few steps, turning around again to Keith.</p><p>“I didn’t expect you to be here. Left the battlefield to be by his side, didn’t you? It’s quite impressive, but shouldn’t you be worried about your comrades? Who knows what could have happened to them in the meantime.”</p><p>Keith couldn’t understand whether Meijiu was asking about that sincerely or the man was just mocking him. He turned away, clenching his teeth and trying to suppress the wave of irritation that was washing over him. As he answered, he made his voice be as indifferent as possible.</p><p>“I wasn’t really useful by that time. I’m sure they’ll cope with it without me.”</p><p>Keith was gazing at Meijiu while the man just shrugged his shoulders.</p><p>“Are you really so sure about it? I have slightly different information.”</p><p>“What do you know?” although he felt disgusted, Keith couldn’t help asking him about it. “If you’d like to share this information with me, of course.”</p><p>Meijiu winced slightly.</p><p>“As far as I know, your side has lost the fight. I’m not aware of details, so you’ll find out by yourself. Maybe you’d better hurry up with it.”</p><p>It seemed impossible. How could they lose? The number of madam Rose’s possible allies simply couldn’t exceed the number of their comrades. Besides, he and Maurice had taken care of everyone who could have betrayed Richard. Even with support of the Golden Dragon, even with that bloody Leo Shishigami on her side, madam Rose couldn’t win the fight! Because it would mean that… all Richard’s efforts were in vain.</p><p>“You’re lying.” Keith muttered, lowering his head. His body was starting to shake; it became harder to control himself. “This…can’t be true.”</p><p>Meijiu’s face twisted, forming a grimace of irritation.</p><p>“Oh, right. I am the enemy who cannot be trusted,” he said scathingly. “Except that I have no reason for lying now, don’t you think so?”</p><p>Meijiu’s retreating footsteps reverberated in the empty corridor. Little Chinese girl looked Keith over with a frown, then turned around and quickly followed her master.</p><p>As for Keith, he guessed that Meijiu really didn’t need to tell lies.</p><p>It got dark outside by the time he left the hospital. He didn’t know where he should go. He wanted to contact Richard, but where could he find him? ‘Maybe I should go to Primavera.’ Keith turned around to the direction needed but stopped after he walked a few meters.</p><p>‘What if Meijiu told the truth?’</p><p>If things really were like that, then now Primavera was completely different from what it was so recently, and he couldn’t even go near that place. As for Richard… he was possibly dead by that moment. It was unlikely that he had been allowed to run from the graveyard. The fact that Keith had managed to escape unharmed was quite surprising. Madam Rose’s allies had probably thought that he posed no threat to them anymore.</p><p>Just to be sure, Keith got to the consigliere’s apartment. And just as he expected, there was no one to open the door.<br/>
He didn’t want to think of what it could mean. He didn’t want to think of meaning that doctor’s words about aggravating the situation could have. He wanted just to stop thinking at all and to feel nothing.</p><p>His own apartment wrapped him in complete darkness and oppressive silence. Without switching on the light, Keith got to his bedroom and threw his coat on the floor before collapsing on the bed.<br/>
Tomorrow he’d sort everything out.</p><p> </p><p>The door to the Butler’s office silently swung open.</p><p>“Good morning. May I come in?” Keith froze at the threshold as if he had no courage to take a step forward.</p><p>Butler raised his head, meeting the other’s eyes. It could be expected that the boy would come there sooner or later (provided that he had managed to escape death), and still Butler felt caught off guard.</p><p>“Sure, come on in,” he exhaled, pointing to the chair in front of his desk. Keith ignored the invitation though as he took only a couple of steps forward, stopping in the middle of the room.</p><p>“It seems that… major isn’t there,” the boy started hesitantly. “Do you know where I can find him?”</p><p>‘In the place from which there’s no return.’ Butler coughed, and then he said turning his eyes away, “You don’t need him. I can tell you all you want to know.”</p><p>Keith’s eyes widened in surprise, and Butler continued, “You’d better sit down – it’ll be a long talk.”</p><p>Keith tensed up noticeably. The way captain talked to him obviously didn’t augur well for him, but he should probably act as he was told. Keith dropped into the chair heavily.</p><p>“The thing is I’d like to know about what happened yesterday. You see, I…” Keith stumbled for a moment, “I had to leave that place before everything ended, and then I couldn’t contact consigliere or grand boss so… I don’t know anything. Please tell me about it.”</p><p>The worried eyes stared at Butler, waiting for an answer. Captain sighed heavily.</p><p>“If that’s so, the first thing you should know is that your side has lost. So keep away from new Primavera – they definitely won’t be glad to see you.”</p><p>“I see,” Keith nodded, looking down. So Meijiu had told him the truth. To be honest, Keith was pretty sure about it by that time. But consigliere and grand boss… had they managed to escape?</p><p>“Both Richard and Cyrus are dead,” Butler answered what wasn’t questioned aloud. Keith flinched and lowered his head so much that his face was almost fully hidden with his white hair. The hope was vain; he lost the people he cared about the most one more time. He was left alone.</p><p>There was silence in the room for a few seconds before Butler broke it.</p><p>“I must tell you something. It’s about the culprit of the sequence of horrible incidents that started a year ago.”</p><p>Keith looked up abruptly.</p><p>“Is there any news about the Golden Dragon?” the boy’s eyes were filled with ill-concealed hatred. Butler looked away.</p><p>“This has nothing to do with the Golden Dragon,” it was hard to say every next phrase, and still Butler forced himself to speak. “Things are different from what you imagine, Keith. The truth is that the Golden Dragon Society was set up in order to start a war between Japanese and Chinese mafia. According to that plan, you were supposed to create deathly chaos in which a lot of mafiosi would die. And the reason for this was personal revenge against mafia.”</p><p>“I don’t understand,” Keith glared at Butler. “Who on earth could come up with that?”</p><p>“Major Gabriel Kaburaya.”</p><p>The answer was a prolonged silence so Butler had to turn his gaze to the boy in front of him. Those eyes were reflecting the frozen emotion that seemed to be shock and disbelief at the same time.</p><p>“He's been stringing you along, manipulating you as he wanted. You surely understand that he was in a position strong enough to organize the attack a year ago. It was quite easy for him to provide fake evidences to prove guilt of the Golden Dragon Society, too.”</p><p>“But why would he do this?” the boy suddenly said it in a hoarse voice and started coughing as if he was trying to clear his throat.</p><p>“It must be hard to believe in this but…” Butler let out a heavy sigh, “can you recall the story about major’s younger sister who was killed by Chinese mafia?”</p><p>“Yes,” Keith responded hesitantly. Back then he and Richard had supposed that it had been the reason for major to cooperate with them, but… “What do you mean by this?”</p><p>“This story is true in almost every way. Except that it was done by <em>Chinese</em> mafia. As for this detail, Gabriel added it just for greater impact. You all already suspected the Golden Dragon Society, and he wanted to convince you that Chinese were inhuman bastards.”</p><p>“You’re trying to say that,” Keith was hardly able to squeeze the words out of himself, “major has been taking revenge on Primavera and the Golden Dragon Society because… he hated mafia as a whole?”</p><p>Butler nodded.</p><p>“Everything could be different if he only had an opportunity to take revenge on those who took away his family but… can you imagine how long he'd been nurturing this wrath without being able to release it? In the end, he turned into a demon for whom human lives were nothing.”</p><p>Keith’s face paled so much its color almost matched his white hair, his fists were clenched and his teeth chattered. He was shaking from anger and despair, being overfilled with those feelings. He still refused to believe in what he had just heard because it was too, <em>too</em> hard to accept.</p><p>But considering that it was the case, the pieces of scattered information finally fell into place.</p><p>“I’ll kill him,” Keith whispered, rising to his feet.</p><p>“Wait. Try to get a grip on yourself.”  </p><p>Keith froze and looked intently at Butler, waiting for explanation. Captain sighed heavily – <em>one more time</em>. “There’s no need to kill anyone because Richard has already taken care of that.”</p><p>“What does it mean?” Keith’s voice rose to a shriek; he apparently was close to get hysterical. “You’ve said that consigliere…”</p><p>“…is dead, that’s right. But he managed to run from the graveyard before the fight ended. That was when I met him and told him the same you’ve just heard from me. After that Richard came to Gabriel, they seemed to start a firefight in his office during which…” Butler looked away before finishing the phrase, “they killed each other.”</p><p>“I can’t understand,” Keith covered his mouth with his hand as if he was trying to silence his soul that was shouting in pain while tearing apart, “I can’t understand! Why couldn’t anyone stop this bastard? Why have you been holding your tongue all along? You’ve been just watching… how could you…”</p><p>Keith stopped short as he gasped convulsively, tears ran down his cheeks – he wasn’t able to control himself anymore. Butler got up and took a step toward the boy.</p><p>“He threatened me, as well as everyone else, so no one here could do anything with him. You can’t even imagine how torturous it was to ‘just watch’,” Butler’s face twisted into a grimace of pain, “but I had no other choice. Even when your former partner tried to set me free so as to make me tell the truth… I couldn’t go for it. My sister was in danger.”</p><p>
  <em>Former partner? Alan? When did it happen? Could it be that he'd been searching for something to prove Golden Dragon’s innocence? Not only that but… he knew who was the real culprit, didn’t he?</em>
</p><p>“So,” Keith inhaled deeply, trying to calm down to no avail, “why did you tell consigliere everything?”</p><p>Butler’s expression suddenly turned grim. His darkened eyes flashed with fury.</p><p>“Because he did what he'd been threatening me with. Even though I never told anyone anything,” that was the first time during their conversation when Butler’s voice was filled with undisguised rancor.</p><p><em>Does it mean that his sister was killed? So even he eventually came to harm.</em> At that moment, Keith could hardly care about it though. Things Butler had just told him were still ringing in his head, and each phrase repeating in his mind caused another invisible knife to stab him in the chest, in that place where his heart should be. Everything became blurred before his eyes, he couldn’t see anything but he felt he was falling on his knees, right onto the dirty floor of the office, and he was screaming, screaming, he couldn’t stop screaming because of unbearable pain. There was a moment when he noticed Butler rushing to him, grabbing him by the shoulders while shouting something – however, the feeling was so hazy that it seemed unreal. The world was breaking, falling apart right in front of him.</p><p>The cold water was dashed into his face, and Keith choked on his own scream. He moved his hand across his closed eyes and cheeks, smearing water and tears, and then he slowly turned his gaze to Butler who was sitting there on the floor, two feet from him. Captain sighed with apparent relief.</p><p>“Composed yourself, didn’t you?” Butler asked, glancing sideways at the door as if he was expecting someone to appear there. “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling now, but, you know, you’d better keep yourself from being hysterical right here.”</p><p>Keith absolutely failed in all his efforts to get a hold of himself – he was still shaking, and his nails were digging painfully in his shoulders. Butler looked at him with pity, but even that felt like some kind of mockery. Keith was sure he had no right to exist, and least of all to be pitied. Widened eyes filled with madness and despair stared at the floor. His barely audible whisper broke the prolonged silence.</p><p>“I’m sorry, captain.”</p><p> </p><p>His feet led him to the hospital. Prior to seeing Alan, he came across the doctor who told him that his friend’s state was the same as before. Keith asked if things could become better, and doctor averted his eyes, saying that there was such possibility. However, he apparently didn’t believe much in it.</p><p>Keith was standing beside Alan’s bed for quite a while, looking at his pale but peaceful face; Alan looked like he was just asleep and would definitely wake up soon. It was simply an illusion though. He would at best stay there in such state for many years, and Keith would be waiting in vain for the day when Alan would regain consciousness. For the day that would never come.</p><p>“Forgive me, Alan…”</p><p>Outside the window, it started pouring rain. The door creaked quietly when Keith left the room entering the empty corridor. He didn’t notice in time that he stayed late there again.</p><p> </p><p>Getting to his apartment took him an immense effort – he was hardly able to move his legs, as well as see anything around him, as if everything was plunged into a fog. Maybe it was the case, maybe it was just his sick mind playing tricks on him – Keith didn’t know it for sure. He got soaked to the skin in the rainfall that wasn’t subsiding all the way home, but he didn’t care about it. To dry clothes was a simple task, and he would be all the more safe. The one who had survived in so many situations promising certain death wouldn’t be afraid of possible effects of walking in the rain.</p><p>Survived… Keith chuckled to himself. It’d be better if he died in Siberia before he hurt so many people, before he lost everything he had, before… he reached the point of utmost despair when the only way out he could see for himself was suicide.</p><p>His empty apartment had become absolutely unhomely since quite recently, and its walls crushed him with heavy silence, constantly reminding that he was left alone. If only there was someone who could support him, then... maybe even at such times it would keep him from self-destruction, from that painful feeling, burning inside him and destroying the remnants of hope and faith in a better.</p><p>But there was <em>no one</em> left, and even worse – mostly it was <em>his</em> fault. He couldn’t take his anger out on someone and feel at least a shred of relief because he was the only one who deserved hatred.</p><p>His knees buckled once more, and Keith fell down onto the floor burying his face in the solid surface covered with thick layer of dust. The water was running down his wet hair and clothes, the dust on the floor was turning into mud, but he couldn’t care less about it as he was shouting and crying again, wishing he was able to stop that hysteria but he couldn’t help it. The unbearable truth that he was better off not knowing – <em>what was he supposed to do about it now?</em></p><p>On the other hand, so many things cleared up due to knowing that truth. For example, now it was obvious that Stella had become the aim for the murderer not because she had been considered candidate for the position of Primavera leader, not at all – the reason had been just the fact that she was consigliere’s <em>sister</em>. Besides, only now Keith realized why Yuuji had been killed. Back then, none of them – neither he, nor Richard, nor grand boss – had seen the point of killing innocent child, but now he could finally follow the train of thought of the devil in angel’s disguise who had planned all of that simply for the sake of revenge.</p><p>And that attack on Lee Meixue had been true. Just as in case with Stella, that girl had been guilty of being <em>sister</em> of one of Golden Dragon Society leaders. He had killed her for the same reason.</p><p>
  <em>God, she had nothing to do with that at all.</em>
</p><p>Once more for that insufferably long day, Keith felt his heart tearing apart. He would never be able to forget it, that moment was engraved in his memory – when his friend who had been considered dead had appeared out of nowhere, taking away the corpse of the girl he loved without fear of getting shot in his head. In fact, that was when Keith had realized that he had made an irreparable mistake.</p><p>He always knew it. He knew it was the reason why he had accepted so readily the assertion that Alan was a traitor. Because it was so much easier to think that his friend was to blame for everything while he was the one who <em>did nothing wrong</em>. Because it spared him the feeling of guilt which he definitely wouldn’t be able to bear.</p><p>The cruel truth revealed his ugly essence, and he couldn’t turn away from it anymore. He never stopped sobbing while repeating in whispers, “Forgive me, Lee Meixue, Alan…”</p><p> </p><p>It stopped raining when Keith found himself at the rooftop of the apartment building where he lived. As he was standing near the rooftop fencing, he looked down, trying to estimate the distance to the ground. It was not so big, and still one would definitely be smashed up after jumping off that place. There was solid asphalt beneath, so he wouldn’t have any chance to survive. No one would save him that time.</p><p>The lack of determination prevented him from stepping over the fencing and diving into emptiness; as soon as he did it, there would be no turning back. That was quite strange – if he was sure that he didn’t want to live, what was he so afraid of now? Minutes flowed slowly, one by one, while he was still standing there, unable to move. The images of things that would happen to him after committing suicide were depicting in his mind, and then the questions arose. When would they find his corpse? Would someone take care of burying him in a proper way? Keith shook his head in slight irritation, trying to get rid of such thoughts. Why should he care about something like that? That moment when his body would be lying smashed up on asphalt was going to be the end of his pathetic existence – and that was the only thing that mattered. He shouldn’t be worried about what would happen after that.</p><p>The main thing was that no one would remember him – because <em>there was no one</em> to remember.</p><p>He couldn’t feel anything now – there was complete emptiness inside him. Keith stepped over the fencing and froze at the narrow ledge. One more step would mark the end of everything. The faces of people he cared about so much flashed before his eyes – those people were the ones who didn’t belong to that world anymore. Stella, Yuuji, Richard… They would probably say that he shouldn’t do that, but there was no other way out for him. He just wasn’t able to live.</p><p>Death stole up on him, being so close that he almost felt its freezing breath on the back of his head, and for some reason, that was the moment when in his clouded consciousness arose the thought – <em>Alan can wake up someday</em>. Even if the chances were extremely low, miracles could happen sometimes. Just like when both of them had survived that merciless cold in Siberia and unbearable conditions in the prisoner-of-war camp. Alan was the one who had made that miracle happen though, and now it was unlikely that he’d be able to save himself.</p><p><em>Even if Alan was brought back to life, he’d never forgive you.</em> The scathing whisper of his inner voice made him remember about Lee Meixue, and the image of that girl appeared in his mind – there was a happy smile on her face that he had never seen in reality. He hoped he’d never see her on the other side. Even his death wouldn’t become a sufficient atonement for that sin. His heart was pierced again with the sharp knife of pain, even though he supposed he was already deprived of any feelings. His vision was blurred so much he couldn’t see anything before his eyes as he got his foot off the surface.</p><p>He was prevented from taking a step forward by someone’s invisible hands that hugged him from the back. Although Keith couldn’t see her, he felt her – that was Stella. She apparently wanted him to live, and that was why she was trying to stop him now despite being dead. Her hands felt unexpectedly warm, and Keith smiled.</p><p>“Why, Stella? You understand it, don’t you? I can’t live. I don’t even deserve it.”</p><p>The only response was silence as the hands let go of him. Keith turned around, seeing nobody behind him – instead, his imagination was depicting the image of Stella that was left in his memory. She was looking at him, smiling gently and reaching out for him so as to make him take a step towards her. Before he could notice, Keith was on the other side of fencing again, <em>safe</em>. The image of Stella dissolved at once in cold night air, giving him vague feeling of being protected. It was like his guardian angel always stood beside him. Keith felt his cheeks burn with cold as tears came out of his eyes again.</p><p>“This is my redemption, right? I must live and remember my sins.”</p><p>No, Stella didn’t mean it, of course, but it would be easier for him to take it that way.</p><p> </p><p>Keith kept coming to the hospital every day but there was no change – Alan was still in coma. The doctor turned gloomier day after day; he ceased to hide the fact that hope for recovery was almost lost. Keith couldn’t refuse to accept it as truth, and still he kept clinging to that negligible chance of improvement – because in that case, his own life that he decided to continue would have at least some reason. Without that reason, he… would unlikely be able to cling to his existence anymore, and another suicide attempt would be just a matter of time.</p><p>Even if Alan didn’t forgive him, he’d keep living for him all the same. In the end, they would probably be ready to talk and understand each other after some time. Yes, it’d definitely be like that, if only Alan was going to wake up someday.</p><p>Anyway, the only thing Keith could do was sitting beside his friend’s bed and praying to now hardly believable God for saving the life of the person he didn’t lose yet.</p><p>Again and again, Keith remembered what Alan had said right before they had fallen out of the bell tower window. Alan had been apologizing back then, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong. From the very beginning, it was Keith who should say sorry to his friend, fall on his knees and beg to forgive him. He didn’t deserve to be forgiven though since the only traitor was he himself all that time.</p><p>And still, Alan had been trying to reach out to him so desperately, but Keith had never listened and kept blaming his friend for the things he wasn’t involved in. It seemed that Alan had been able to refrain from killing him only due to knowing about the true culprit and understanding his former partner’s mental state better than anyone else. In the end, Alan even had had to apologize for the other’s sins to make Keith listen to him. Finally, Keith realized all of that, being aware of terrible truth. Now it’d be possible for both of them to make up but… it was already too late for that, wasn’t it?</p><p>The only thing he could do was sitting beside his friend’s bed and weeping about the mistakes made that couldn’t be rectified.</p><p> </p><p>One day marked a sudden change of everything.<br/>
That was the moment when Keith was squeezing Alan’s hand and felt the fingers squeezing weakly his palm in response. Unable to believe in it, Keith was looking in the barely opened eyes of his friend. There was a smile on his face.</p><p>“Keith…”</p><p>The voice was very quiet, but Keith was quite sure of what he had heard. His eyes welled up with tears when he eventually managed to accept the fact. That was not a dream, not an illusion.</p><p>The miracle did happen. Alan came out of the coma.</p><p> </p><p>Once he obtained patient’s anamnesis, doctor remarked with relief that there was no threat to his patient’s life anymore, as well as there was no serious brain damage. While giving commands to the nurse, he was constantly mumbling in shock that it was the first time when he observed such an incredible improvement of health state in almost hopeless situation. Soon doctor went out of the room, reminding Keith about visiting hours coming to end.</p><p>Finally, both of them were left alone, but Keith couldn’t tell now if he was really happy about it.</p><p>“Keith,” Alan tried to smile again, although it was obviously a hard task for him, “come closer. Are you gonna stand there?”</p><p>In fact, since doctor and nurse had appeared in the room, Keith had been standing practically near the door. Slowly, so slowly – his legs just couldn’t move faster – he approached Alan’s bed and dropped into the chair beside it.</p><p>There were so many things to say, but he didn’t know what to start with. Everything he had been constantly thinking about during the last few days couldn’t turn into the coherent speech from the heap of disconnected thoughts.</p><p>“For how long am I here?” Alan asked. Keith counted the days from that damned day so he responded immediately.</p><p>“It’s the eighth day. You know, everyone here stopped hoping that you were going to wake up.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ve noticed that.” Alan gave a grin and winced at once. “This doctor was looking at me as if I was a dead coming to life. No wonder though. Even I can’t believe that I’ve managed to survive,” he looked at Keith from head to toe and then said with a faint smile, “and you didn’t get hurt much, did you? I’m happy.”</p><p>“Alan…”</p><p>Keith squeezed his palm in his own as he felt tears running down his face. He wished to say thank you to Alan, to say that Alan had saved his life one more time right now – just by waking up. He needed to tell his friend everything, to explain, to apologize; however, he couldn’t say a word at that moment, and the only sounds he could utter were sobs. With a sad smile on his face, Alan squeezed Keith’s palm in response, intertwining their fingers.</p><p>“It shouldn’t have happened to you,” Keith eventually managed to say. He inhaled and exhaled deeply trying to make his voice even. “It should be me… not you. Why did you try to protect me? I… intended to kill you back then.”</p><p>Alan turned his eyes away.</p><p>“At the last moment, right before we fell out of the window, you looked like you came to yourself; it was like you from the old times. As for protecting, I did it because… ha, I don’t know, really. It just came naturally to me.”</p><p>Keith smiled through tears.</p><p>“It has always been like that. Without you, I’d be dead long ago.” <em>And it would probably be better that way.</em></p><p>“Keith,” Alan lowered his voice slightly, “you don’t think of me as of a traitor anymore, right?”</p><p>Keith’s fingers tightened around his hand even more.</p><p>“I am the only traitor here. You had nothing to apologize for back then.” His shoulders quaked, and he lowered his head as much as he could. “I’m sorry, forgive me, Alan!”</p><p>“So you already know everything.” Alan’s fingers squeezing Keith’s palm disappeared, and a moment later, Keith felt a gentle touch to his hair which made him raise his head. Alan was still smiling like before, but there was pain in his eyes, that kind of pain causing Keith’s insides to flip. Unable to bear it, Keith averted his eyes. “It seems that I’ve missed a lot. Won’t you tell me about what that day ended with? And who revealed the truth to you?”</p><p>As he calmed down a bit, Keith told Alan about everything made known to him by Butler. At the end, his speech started to be interrupted with sobs again.</p><p>“I… simply couldn’t believe in that. We thought that person to be our ally, but he… had just been enjoying our suffering behind our backs, mocking us. He twisted us around his little finger so easily, made us believe that Golden Dragons were the ones to blame. I… considered even you a traitor. With these hands of mine… I’d been killing those who weren’t guilty of anything, and thought that I… had been exacting righteous revenge.”</p><p>Keith fell silent, lowering his head. As he was looking at his open palms, he saw the liquid of bright-red color flowing between his fingers, oozing and forming hideous blood stains under them on his hands; behind those stains, the images of the dead ones appeared – the girl trying to apply pressure on the wound on her belly with her hand, but to no avail; men leaving their shelters foolhardily in hopes of saving her; and a lot of comrades who were suspected of being traitors and therefore mercilessly killed. Begging for mercy and death screams of ones were still ringing in his ears, the silent shadows of others were haunting him relentlessly, watching him out of the darkened corners. One day they would reach him and kill, just like he had killed them. Keith shut his eyes for a moment and shook his head, chasing the haunting wraiths away temporarily.</p><p>“Nothing can atone for what I’ve done,” Keith ran the back of his hand over his face, wiping away the tears, “but… maybe one day you’ll be able to forgive me. You’re… all I have left.”</p><p>“I’ve already forgiven you, Keith.”</p><p>As he dared to look into Alan’s eyes again, Keith realized that Alan really felt no resentment toward him. It supposed to provide comfort to Keith, but instead, he felt like his throat was seized with an invisible rope. Meanwhile, Alan went on.</p><p>“You, and consigliere, and grand boss – all of you were in such a state when fake evidence was more than enough to push you to the bloody revenge. You were overwhelmed with wrath and sorrow, and it was too much for you to be able to listen to reason. That major took care of it being this way. I could understand all of you. And I understood you better than anyone else. You’re not the one who can bear so much of shock without being broken.”</p><p>Keith sobbed and leaned down to Alan’s bed, burying his face into the sheet.</p><p>“Please forgive me,” he mumbled with his head lowered, “forgive me, forgive, forgive…”</p><p>“I’ve said – I’ve already forgiven you.” Alan ran his hand over white hair, the touch was barely tangible. “We suffered too much, but it’s all over now. The only thing we can do is just to live with that somehow.”</p><p>The sounds of sobs became more quiet and reduced in frequency, and Alan gave a smile – somewhat forced one. “Calm down, Keith. You’re not alone. I won’t leave you.”</p><p>With the voice cracked due to sobs, Keith apologized – again and again, without stopping, even though Alan said that he had forgiven him. He was eager to repeat that ‘forgive me’ endlessly, but it couldn’t be sufficient all the same. It would never be enough.</p><p> </p><p>As he left the room and closed the door behind him, Keith noticed someone’s short silhouette approaching him hastily from the other end of the corridor. When that silhouette reached the window through which sunset beams were penetrating the dark of the corridor, he managed to understand who it was. That little Chinese girl whom he also owed his life. She stopped within a couple of meters of Keith, looking at him with her alert attentive eyes under the everlasting frown.</p><p>“You already know, don’t you?” Keith smiled to the girl, and she seemed to relax a little. “That he’s woken up. That’s why you’re here.”</p><p>In fact, Keith had been spending too much time in the hospital everyday during the last week, but had never encountered her. The girl nodded, confirming his assumption.</p><p>“You’re a bit late. Now he sleeps, so you’d better come next time.”</p><p>The girl nodded again and quietly asked something in Chinese. Keith gave a little smile.</p><p>“Sorry, I don’t understand your language.”</p><p>Chinese girl upset a little, and then she waved her hand as if saying “never mind”.</p><p>“Anyway, don’t worry about him. He’s alright.”</p><p>A faint smile lit the frowny face of the girl, as if it was exactly the answer to her question. She nodded and turned around to leave, but Keith called out to her.</p><p>“Wait.”</p><p>Chinese girl stopped and looked at him, their eyes met.</p><p>“I think I should say thank you. Alan and I managed to survive only because of you. It was quite natural for you to save him, but as for me… I will always owe you for this.”</p><p>The girl tilted her head a bit, looking at Keith with vague expression in her eyes. The corners of her lips stretched, forming a half smile. As she murmured something in Chinese, she waved goodbye and walked away at a brisk pace. Her small figure dissolved in the half-light of the corridor.</p><p>Pondering, Keith followed her with his eyes. He had noticed anxious look the girl had given him in the beginning – as if she had been ready to repel any possible attack. But as soon as he had smiled to her in a friendly manner, she had relaxed quite a lot. She was afraid of him a little, but hardly felt hostility toward him. Keith expected of Chinese nothing but hatred, and he thought it would be righteous.<br/>
Still, they turned out to be surprisingly <em>understanding</em>, but instead of calming him down it only hurt him more.</p><p> </p><p>The doctor had been right when he had assured that there was nothing to worry about – day by day, Alan felt better, his uncharacteristic paleness started to disappear, and his voice became as cheerful as it had always been before. Keith still visited him every day and stayed for a while, usually until Alan got the injection which made him sleepy. Every time Keith didn’t know what to start a conversation with, but Alan did it instead of him, directing the talk safe way so that they wouldn’t touch upon their painful past.</p><p>“It seems that you’re really getting much better,” Keith noticed one day with a smile as he saw his friend annoyed by constant lack of activity. Alan sighed wistfully.</p><p>“I want to get discharged so badly. There’s absolutely nothing to do here. It’s great that you come and see me, but you can’t stay here all day – such a pity.”</p><p>“No matter how much you want it, it’s not like you gonna get discharged soon.” Keith never stopped smiling. “Even though you feel rather good, you still can’t walk without help, and you shouldn’t move much for now. I don’t think you’ll leave this place before month passes. You have to bear with it.”</p><p>Alan sighed again, but didn’t argue.</p><p>“Yeah, sure. You’re right. Then, if that’s cool with you, stay here longer more often.”</p><p>“As you wish.” Keith smiled, and at that moment he suddenly remembered something he was curious about. “Hey, Alan.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Did that shorty Chinese come here recently?”</p><p>“Xiaolan?” Alan gave a broad smile. “Yeah, I’ve seen her once. She came to make sure in person that I’m alright. Did you meet her too?”</p><p>“Yes. It was the day when you woke up.” Keith responded quietly as he looked away. “Looks like Lee Meijiu is really worried about you.”</p><p>For a few seconds, Alan looked at Keith attentively while trying to read his face, and then he smiled light-heartedly again.</p><p>“It’s so nice that so many people are worried about my state.”</p><p>Keith blinked, but a moment later he perceived what has been said and gave a short laugh.</p><p>“That’s why you should keep that in mind and never make them be worried again.”</p><p>“I’ll try to,” Alan responded earnestly.</p><p> </p><p>Almost a week after that, Alan said that he couldn’t stand that hospital anymore so he intended to urge doctor to discharge him as soon as possible.</p><p>“You can’t be serious,” Keith reacted immediately. “Someone definitely has to look after you. For now, you won’t be able to live alone.”</p><p>“Calm down, Keith. I never said I was going to live alone.”</p><p>“Really? And who do you think will take such responsibility?”</p><p>Alan hemmed, pretending to contemplate something.</p><p>“If you think about it a little, you can conclude that… you’d cope with it very well. If you don’t mind it, of course.”</p><p>Dumbfounded by such an offer, Keith didn’t know what to say. Yes, Alan had forgiven him, and they spent so much time together every day, but it hadn't been until recently that they had managed to talk to each other almost as openly as they had done back then, before their bonds had been broken. Keith could hardly imagine how both of them would feel if they would be together all the time. Alan probably didn’t think about it now, but eventually he would definitely realize that his decision was wrong.<br/>
Anyway, Keith would never forgive himself, and Alan would never <em>forget</em>.</p><p>“Alan,” Keith avoided to meet his friend’s eyes while trying to speak as firmly as he could, “why do you choose me, among all the variants? I mean… if you’re so reluctant to stay here, you can go to the Chinatown. I’m sure they’ll be glad to take you in.”</p><p>“And you won’t?” Alan tilted his head to one side, trying to look into Keith’s eyes. “You don’t want to bother with me, right?”</p><p>“It’s not the case,” Keith smiled and raised his head, but turned away at once, being unable to bear the look in those intent eyes. “It’s just… you must have noticed it too, even now we can’t talk the way we did before. No wonder, a lot has changed since then.” The smile on Keith's face turned into a twisted one, full of pain. “I think it’ll be better for you if you spend time with those ones who have already become your family rather than with…”</p><p>
  <em>A traitor whose guilt can never be atoned for.</em>
</p><p>“Don’t be silly,” Alan frowned. He was silent for a while, and then he continued, “you’re still blaming yourself, aren’t you? You possibly even think that it’d be better for you to die, all the time.”</p><p>That was right. Alan definitely could see through him. Almost constantly, Keith reviewed in his mind everything that had been happening during the last year, remembered each of his mistakes. Sometimes, memories were brought to life involuntary, but that made no difference. Keith couldn’t get on with his life – dread, hideous hallucinations had been haunting him in his dreams and in his waking hours. He promised Stella and himself, but… unfortunately, it was hard to say for sure now how long he would be able to hold out that way.</p><p>“It wouldn’t be better at all, Keith,” Alan touched Keith’s hand, making him to meet his gaze. “I still need you, can’t you understand it? I don’t even want to imagine what you think of yourself,” he said with a smile on his face, “but tell me, who was the one beside me all this time, since I ended up in this hospital, supporting me, talking with me? Was that one from the Golden Dragons? Or maybe from Primavera?”</p><p>Alan chuckled as he saw the expression on Keith’s face changing – his eyes widened in surprise, and his mouth was opening and closing again in unsuccessful attempt to say something. Unable to find right words to answer, Keith sighed and looked down.</p><p>“You were and still are my friend, Keith. Sure, it’s difficult for us to talk about some things for now, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t need each other anymore. Don’t you feel this way too – like we should stay together?”</p><p>Alan kept smiling while Keith wasn’t aware of tears streaming down his cheeks. He couldn’t understand why his friend was still able to look at him without a shred of condemnation in his eyes, why he was still ready to rely on someone like him, on the traitor who didn’t deserve to be forgiven. On the one who definitely didn’t deserve such a great person as Alan.<br/>
From the very beginning, Keith intended to live for Alan’s sake, but those words erased completely all the doubts. No matter how hard it would be for Keith, he had no right to leave Alan alone while being the one whom he needed.</p><p> </p><p>Despite all Keith’s expectations, living together turned out to be not burdensome at all. On the contrary, it was much easier than before because oppressive silence that had been reigning in his empty apartment for so long finally broke, letting him breathe again and get rid of depressive thoughts for a while. The feeling of guilt never let go of him though, and because of that he couldn’t look into his best friend’s eyes – but Alan never reminded him of any of his mistakes. And for that sole thing, Keith was immensely grateful to him.</p><p>Alan was prescribed some kind of bed rest with a minimum of moves, but he apparently didn’t take doctor’s recommendations very seriously. He would often stand up to try to get to the other room without help while moving somehow using crutches. As he watched that, Keith could only sigh heavily, knowing that any of his objections would be successfully ignored. What had Alan said last time? Oh yes…<br/>
<em>“I don’t want to be a burden to you. Don’t bother with me like a nurse.”</em></p><p>What a nonsense – that was what Keith had told him back then, but there was no way to convince Alan. So Keith could only stock up on painkillers that were always necessary after his friend’s physical overactivity, as well as constantly make sure that Alan wouldn’t get hurt accidentally in any part of his body again.</p><p>Because of Alan to whom Keith devoted all his time during a day, those horrible hallucinations in reality eventually started to retreat, and even when they appeared sometimes, it was much simpler to distract himself from them now. Still, his nightmares weren’t about to go away.</p><p>Keith never told Alan about the dreams that he saw every night, about waking up from them in a cold sweat and tears every time, unable to sleep after that for so long – for he was simply afraid of falling asleep. He didn’t want to see the dead again – Stella, Yuuji, Richard, Lee Meixue, even Alan – and his own arms elbows deep in blood of those people. He saw that every time he fell asleep. Without exception.</p><p>Alan slept in the other room, so he never saw Keith waking up from another dream like that. However, lately Alan started to notice changes in his appearance caused by constant lack of sleep and worries that had been tormenting his heart endlessly.</p><p>“It seems like I’m growing old too quickly,” Keith kept saying that while managing a forced laugh. Then he would look away at once, quivering under Alan’s intent eyes. “Don’t worry. I’m alright.”<br/>
How long would he be able to tell lies that way?</p><p> </p><p>When he woke up in the middle of the night, Alan couldn’t perceive immediately the thing that prevented him from falling into a slumber again. Silence was wrapping the space around him tightly, but there was a sound penetrating it, quiet, barely distinctive one… a cry?</p><p>As he picked his crutches up while struggling to rise to his feet, Alan started to wander carefully in the direction of Keith’s room and almost tripped over something in the dark several times on the way. The door opened practically without a sound.</p><p>Keith was lying in his bed, burying his face into the pillow in attempt to muffle the sobs that came from his chest frequently. He didn’t hear Alan approaching him slowly, so he turned around abruptly only when Alan sat down on the edge of his bed.</p><p>“Alan…” as he choked upon the sob, Keith started coughing and turned away, trying to wipe his tears off his cheeks but only smudging them instead. He inhaled deeply and said, exhaling, “Come back to your room. I’m fine.”</p><p>“I see,” irritation was quite distinct in Alan’s voice. “What’s going on, Keith? You have nightmares? How often does this happen?”</p><p>“Every night,” Keith replied gloomily, staring blankly at the floor.</p><p>“Why haven’t you told me anything?”</p><p>Alan looked too anxious, almost as if Keith had just informed him of his horrible disease. It could be not so far from reality though – since dreadful dreams had been exhausting him, little by little, just like some fatal illness. Keith let out a heavy sigh.</p><p>“Because you didn’t need to know about it. That’s my problem. I’ll cope with it.”</p><p>However, Keith knew that Alan wouldn’t calm down after that, and he cursed inwardly his own unrestraint. He never told his friend about it exactly because he knew it would make Alan be worried, and Alan’s sympathy in a situation like that was the last thing Keith wanted. He simply had no right for that.<br/>
The moment when Alan forcibly shook him by the shoulders was too unexpected, and Keith looked up at him, staring in surprise at the face twisted in anger.</p><p>“What the hell you’re talking about, idiot? So now you think I’ve got no right to know about what’s disturbing you? Do you realize that you can kick the bucket this way? Or maybe it’s exactly what you’re hoping for?”</p><p>There were a few things that could put Alan out of temper but it seemed like Keith managed to do that one more time. The grip on his shoulders tightened, and Keith winced in pain but Alan didn’t notice it. He shook his head and lowered his eyes as he muttered, “Moron… Fucking suicidal.”</p><p>Keith gave a little smile. Alan didn’t know yet about his failed suicide attempt not so long ago. It would probably be better to continue concealing that fact. </p><p>“No, Alan. I really wanna live now. I just don’t know what I can do with this.”</p><p>The lines on Alan’s face smoothed out a little as he smiled faintly, letting go of Keith’s shoulders.</p><p>“So that’s why you’ve decided not to tell me anything and to endure it in silence?” The reproach could be seen in his eyes, but there was no anger, no irritation anymore. “Listen to me, Keith. We’ll find a way to cope with your nightmares. But please, don’t be silent about anything, okay?” He paused for a while, and then he said, “It’s never ‘your’ problem – it’s our problem. I ask you to remember that.”</p><p>Keith looked away, and the corners of his lips twitched upwards a bit.</p><p>“Okay, I will remember.” He looked up at Alan – his eyes were still filled with tears, but now there was a glimpse of hope in them. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Don’t mention it now,” Alan replied with a broad smile on his face, “not until I really help you.”</p><p>Keith shook his head and smiled back.</p><p>“Thank you for willing to help.”</p><p>He pulled Alan close, hugging him tightly around the shoulders. A look of surprise appeared on Alan’s face for a moment, but he didn’t make a sound and only hugged Keith back.</p><p>“Hey, Alan.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“How can we cope with this?”</p><p>As he pulled back, Alan met the curious look in Keith’s eyes.</p><p>“First of all, stop thinking constantly about things that happened. I know you won’t forget this, but at least try not to remember too many times. You probably have these nightmares so often exactly because you never stop accusing yourself for all you’ve done wrong.”</p><p>Keith turned his eyes away and sighed heavily. Sure, Alan was right about everything, but it was much easier said than done.</p><p>“I know, you think it’s impossible, and I can understand you,” Alan continued. “But there’s something that can help you.”</p><p>“What’s this thing?” Keith was gazing at Alan, with his eyes expecting for an answer, but very obvious doubt could be seen in them – or rather, it was complete certainty that nothing could help him. </p><p>Still, it couldn’t shake Alan’s conviction when he claimed, “This is distraction. You’d better avoid staying by yourself and get distracted from immersing in your thoughts as often as possible. For example, by talking with me.”</p><p>Keith’s lips twitched, curving into a faint smile.</p><p>“You mean more often than now when you’re always here beside me?”</p><p>“Not always, actually. I’m not by your side when you sleep.”</p><p>Keith started to realize what Alan was getting at.</p><p>“So you tell me…”</p><p>“Will you let me stay in your room for this night?”</p><p>Alan gave his usual smile, as if he couldn’t see anything extraordinary in what he had just said, but Keith suddenly felt awkward. He thought that he resembled a scared little child who felt safe only beside his reliable, confident parent. Keith wanted to refuse, to assure Alan that everything would be fine but… he was too afraid of staying alone.</p><p>Without looking at Alan, he responded quietly while trying to hide his face with his hair. “I will.”</p><p> </p><p>Next morning Alan was the first to open his eyes. For a while, he was just staring at the ceiling – not the one he got used to see in recent days. Eventually memories of the last night were brought back to him, and he shifted his gaze to the side slowly. Keith was still sleeping beside him – his face looked calm, his eyelashes were trembling slightly, and his breath was even, barely audible. Alan noted to himself that his sudden idea really worked, just as he expected – at least, it did for Keith.</p><p>As he turned away, Alan buried his face into the pillow, grasping tightly the soft fabric under him. He sincerely wanted to help Keith to cope with his psychological traumas, but… who would give help to him himself?</p><p>Alan had dreams, too. There was no blood, no murders, no corpses in them, though. They might be somewhat different, just a little, but the matter was always the same. Yuki – or rather, Meixue – kept visiting him every night. She wasn’t like a silent shadow that could be imagined sometimes by people when they saw the dead, not at all – his Yuki looked like a living person made from flesh and blood. She smiled the way she had done when she had been alive, and their talks resembled those they had had back then, so until some point all of that wasn’t different from memories. The bright and pleasant memories that no one would be able to take away from him.</p><p>When he was close to waking up, the world of his dream started to change. The space was twitching, being wrapped with haze, and all of that was going to disappear, plunging into the obscurity. Every time Alan was afraid of never seeing Yuki anymore, and he reached out for her, calling her by name, but the distance between them only became larger. A smile that his memories definitely didn’t contain appeared on Yuki’s face – sad, even slightly bitter one. In the end, she was saying something to him, but her words could reach his ears no more.</p><p>And that was when he would wake up. As a rule, he had enough time to come to his senses, to realize that everything he saw was just a dream, and then he reminded himself about reality. By the time he faced Keith, there was nothing to prevent him from behaving as usual.</p><p>But that time turned out to be different. Looking at Keith for a moment right after waking up was enough to remember at once why the girl he loved so much could be with him now only in his dreams.</p><p>That was followed by the memories he wished to erase from his mind for good – the mental pictures resembled the photographs that had captured the worst moments in his life. Yuki who was holding on with her last strength while lying on the ground and bleeding, Meijiu’s subordinates who were making a desperate attempt to rescue her despite his warning only to die one after another, the left hand without the ring finger… The smell of death in the air, and the eyes of invisible, merciless reaper – those full of the desire for revenge, longing to hurt for his own suffering. Those were the eyes of the one who until recently was his indispensable companion, ideal partner and best friend.</p><p>The body beside him moved, and Alan turned his head to the side. Keith’s eyelids twitched, his eyes opened slowly and fixed on Alan’s face. For a while, Keith was looking at him without a word, being obviously worried – as if he could guess what Alan was thinking about. While squeezing his eyes for a moment, Alan tried to get all of that out of his head. When he cast his look at the guy opposite him again, he managed to smile – just as he always did.</p><p>“How was your sleep?”</p><p>The thing that felt like a tough, tangled knot binding his innards in the middle of the ribcage began to melt slowly when Alan saw his friend’s smile – the one he hadn’t seen for a long time, open and sincere, almost happy. The one that had often appeared on his face before, due to Alan’s jokes which no one but him could understand; just like the smile that was the last thing Alan had seen before… dying and being born again.</p><p>“Perfect. I couldn’t even think that… such a thing is still possible for me.”</p><p>Alan swallowed a lump stuck in his throat.</p><p>“I’m glad to hear that.”</p><p>Could one put together the fragments of what seemed to be completely shattered beyond repair? Could that <em>asymmetry</em> that had separated them be overcome? It was hard to answer those questions.</p><p>But while they were looking into each other’s eyes, knowing that they needed each other, the two of them were ready to try anew to reach <em>harmony</em>.</p>
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